Romans 7:15
For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice, but what I hate, that I do.
I know me.
I fully know what I a capable of doing if I step outside of God's grace and mercy and begin to operate according to my old nature (or sin nature).
That is a scary thing sometimes when you stop to really take a look at yourself. To stop and consider what you are capable of doing----what you are capable of saying in order to hurt someone with your words. This will give you pause to ponder who God truly is and what the death and resurrection of Christ really is all about.
I'm not talking about living in the land of would-a, should-a and could-a. But I am suggesting that take a moment and find gratitude for what Christ has done for each of us. If you are a pre-believer (the church would refer to you as "lost) then consider the simple fact of all the mess you have created with your actions and belief's. Lie's you have told and then covered up with more lies, until you reach the point that you can't separate the truth from the lies you have piled up.
I love Paul's brutal honesty about himself. He was very much aware of what he was capable of doing outside God's call and presence in his life. This is what kept Paul on the path he had taken. He was not going to allow himself to be side tracked back into old behaviors and ways of facing life. He was not going to fall back upon his intellect to justify and give credence to the choices he had made. Paul knew that this salvation that had been extended to him by Jesus, was a precious gift that he would guard with his very life. There was no going back for Paul.
That is the way I have to live. Not that I am Paul, I am not. Not that I place myself on the same level as Paul, I do not. But this I know. I am capable of incredible dark things should I allow my old nature to take rule of this life. For that very reason, I fight all the more harder to move ahead and chase this Jesus.
I'm not trying to be dramatic with my words. I just want to convey my feeling and thoughts in what I face daily. There is much joy in my life because of my salvation. There is peace in my life because I have chosen to follow Jesus. There is less worry (I'm still working on this one) in my life because of the promises that God has extended to everyone who "comes to him". I remember all to well what the old life was like. I didn't like me very well. There were times of great shame when I would think to myself, "My mother did not raise me to be like this." Such times would just cover me with guilt and shame. These are the two deadly, toxic emotions that have the power to keep someone in their addiction and not allow true freedom to be experienced. God has the power and love to break the cycle of these two emotions and bring in his healing presence to restore.
I am grateful that Paul gave us an inside glimpse of his own personal life and struggles. Very unusual way of teaching, especially in light of today's Christianity. Leaders and Pastors today have to maintain an image of incredible righteousness. Building up themselves to the point that if a scandal breaks or the truth about their own sin comes out, it is a downfall of epic proportions. I think living transparent and open would keep us all honest before each other and God. I think maybe that is the way I will choose to live.
Open and transparent.
Come, Lord Jesus!
God on you....
mb
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